Signs

When I lived in Arizona, I would call my mother and ask her to call and remind me of anything from my work schedule to a hair cut appointment. I was 25. I suppose one should not brag of such a thing. And today some smart psychologist would certainly accuse my mother of "enabling " me to not be independent or some other kind of blah blah blah. The truth was I could have bought a calendar and wrote things down but how much better is it to hear a voice you love calling you to remind you that you have a doctor's appointment on Thursday at 2 and "wear clean underwear"? My mother enjoyed doing those things for me. On a physical level her life was limited, especially as I got older but her mental self was like solid steel. You could not penetrate through and take a single memory or telephone number away from her. Her body may have been completely disobeying her every command but somehow her multiple sclerosis could not touch a single neuron or basil ganglia that controlled anything remotely to do with memory, intuition or sassiness.

My mother passed away five years ago today. She had a bad heart that went undetected for more than a year. She was misdiagnosed with fibromyalgia and took whatever advice or medication was dispensed by this doctor or that and went about her business. It all came to a head when she landed in the ED with severe pain and it was finally determined she was having chest pain and a cardiac catheterization was done which revealed a blockage in her main arteries of 99%. She would not live out the week we were told unless she had open heart surgery. It all happened very fast and it felt as though I were watching it play out in someone's life, not mine. I almost never felt a part of the whole week. Her time in the ICU after the surgery was, to be frank, brutal. For all the years that she had trouble moving her limbs she could always talk to me. While she was in ICU she remained intubated and I could not hear her voice. When she was awake she could only nod or shake her head and smiling was even tough thanks to that God awful tube poking out of the side of her mouth. You have to understand I grew up with my mother's voice not her body. I hardly had a single friend who had a parent who had any kind of disability so their lives were not divided...their parents walked and talked. My mother talked, she scolded, she loved from her chair. She was as good a parent as any and better than some. She loved with her voice. I didn't need her arms wrapped around me to know I was safe with her. It was always her voice. My biggest fear that week was not being able to hear her voice again. I didn't, at least not the way I wanted. When the tube was removed she was able to whisper a thank you.

So really why would I have wanted a calendar when a sweet voice would happily ring my phone and remind of anything and everything. She felt useful , I felt loved. I was explaining this to my girlfriend last week. She found it funny and probably amazing that my mother would do that. The crazy part was my mother never needed to write it down, she just remembered. I asked my husband that week, when I realized how bad things were going," Who will remind me to do stuff?". He answered he could, which only made me cry harder because that man can't remember where he put his keys.
I was explaining all this to my girlfriend as a way of getting ot my point that I needed to make an eye doctor appointment. I think she missed the point because she said," call and make an appointment." I said,"I keep forgetting."

Last weekend we were having dinner with friends and I had placed my glasses on the table. No one was paying particular attention when our 17 month old grabbed them and proceeded to break them beyond repair. She just pulled at the ear pieces and snap that was all she wrote. I stared in disbelief. I was too tired to get really upset. I am able to balance them on my nose so when I drive I can see where I am going. The same girlfriend who missed the point of my very long story was in the car with me the next evening and just stared at me. "Your glasses are cracking me up" she said finally. I explained what happened and she was very quiet for a moment. Then she smiled at me and said," Did it occur to you that your mother whispered to your daughter and told her to break your glasses so you would get around to making that eye doctor appointment?" This is why I love this particular friend. She sees things in a way that I would not yet I don't find her explanations to be born of craziness. She is crazy, yes but in a subtle and enjoyable way. This was something I would not have thought of on my own. And perhaps for some people that is just plain crazy talk. But for me it was beautiful. It placed my mother right there in my space and I could hear her saying,"Isn't it time to get your eyes checked?" Most people may not believe in signs from those who have left us and those people may not have had that loss yet that makes you crave what is gone and can no longer be.
It is a club, right now a small club, that I have few members in. I am sure they would agree with my friend that my mother was throwing me a sign. Perhaps she sent other signs but they were too subtle, she may have forgotten I don't always catch on that quick, or she might be really busy, I do have a sister. And now I do have Microsoft and a calendar that pops up and dings with reminders of what I have to do. It is not the same but life does go on. I do have doctor appointment to thank her for and all those other things she called and reminded me to do and that is enough to make me smile.